The only way to get a thing done is to start to do it, then keep on doing it, and finally you’ll finish it.

Langston Hughes- The Big Sea

So here is what I know about me, I need to just go for it. Every single year I am in this place. I decide that I am going to blog and actually post my content, but I never do. I say that I am going to do this or that and I never do. What I also know is that something has changed in me over the last few days. The last 22.5 year I have been in California and I have always said “when my baby is 18, I will be the most selfish in my life, I will travel the states and I will leave California.”

Well guess what he turned 18 last week and since that time I have not been the same. I feel like I have been fearless in just about everything that I do, some may say that it is dangerous, I say it is just me living the life that I have said that I was going to live over the last 22.5 years. I am doing the things that I want, going places that I want, and I am fearless in my actions, I literally only have one life and I literally have 24 hours, but at no moment is the next moment guaranteed so guess what, I am going to live like no one is watching, I am going to dance when I want to dance, I am going to love who I want to love, I am going to sing in the shower to the top of my lungs, I am going to really give no fucks. Saying you have no more fucks to give and actually not having any more fucks to give is two very different thing and I literally have no more to give. I am kind, I am compassionate, I know what I long for in my life, I am loving, I am caring if I am being honest, I am fucking awesome, I am damn near unicorn status.

So, this is what I am going to do, I am daring myself to take a 6-month challenge CJ style I have made a list of the things that matter to me, and I am daring myself to conquer them. I am my biggest critic; I am the only one who can fail at this. The fact is that I won’t fail because I want to be a better woman, a better version of myself and I want to share what I can during this time. I am going to write, I am going to share at my most vulnerable moment, I am going to work on my health, I am going to put good things in my body, I am going to stick to MY wants, I will not allow anyone to tell me different (unless I am really wrong). I am not going to wait until January 1st, I am going to start today, Christmas Eve 2021.

I went today and I invested in some tools that will help me along the way. I am going to do this and I would love the cheers along that way. Friends really do help you become a better version of yourself. That is what I am asking for. Push me, support me, if you see that I need guidance please guide me, Love me and learn from me as I will you on this journey.

I am going to post a video on my Instagram and that is where my new content will be posted when I publish a new blog, I am committed to post at least 3 times a week. My Instagram will be connected to this blog.

Much Love,

Beautiful*In*All*Seasons

The best motto for a long march is “Don’t Grumble. Plug on.” You hold your future in your own hands.

Sir Frederick Treves

I did not unlove you overnight.

No, I unloved you in small bits and pieces this happened over a long period of time.

I grew new skin that you could never touch, a new heart that I couldn’t let you close enough to break and a new soul that I would not let you shake.

This is how I unloved you!

Slowly, painfully but in the end no regrets.

**Unknown

They seem to think that falling out of love is something that just happens, like we just wake one morning and poof I am no longer in love my lover. The whole journey of love is a process, we fall in love that is a process and when we fall out of love that is a process. Then there are situations where you feel like you are in complete love, but when you start falling out love you begin to question, was it even love?

Every breakup brings me new views on love and what a real relationship should be and how they feel. Every breakup brings pain, lessons then freedom. It is hard to grow new skin when you are with someone that you are falling out of love with, it is hard to create a new heart inside your own soul and not allow it to be shaken. But the thing is that it can be done.

For me there is a trigger, there is a moment an action. An action that makes my heart question the feeling of love, an action that makes me recognize that love should not feel this particular way at that moment. It’s funny people say love is work, relationships are work. But I often wonder at what cost? I know enough to know that if you love someone and if they love you then you don’t tolerate disrespect correct? We live in a world where we all have a different love language and I feel like when we have relationships our love language is tested.

Not long ago when I started to really ponder what in the hell love is I posted a question on FB and the comments were interesting. I asked what is love to you? There were about 12 responses and they were all great but there was one that stuck out to me.

“Love is unconditionally conditional. That means there are boundaries, I can love you with all of my being but also respect myself enough to acknowledge that loving you is detrimental to me so I have to step back. Love is patient, but that doesn’t mean one should be patient while the other does nothing to change/better the situation. Love is kind but honest and transparent. Love can be so beautiful when it’s healthy but love can also be as toxic as a highly addictive narcotic so handling love responsibly is a must. Love is not what people see in the movies, love is a lot of hard work but it is also oh so rewarding. Love can be painful and frustrating, but it’s should only be that way 15-30% of the time. Love can be so wonderful but the secret no one likes to talk about is loving yourself and respecting your own value is the key to having healthy love elsewhere.”

* Gannon

I could not have said it better and to be honest this is one of the most honest views on love. Love has boundaries, love is honest and transparent.

Here is what I have been struggling with for sometime now, I know what I want in love, I know what I want in a companion. So why can’t I grasp those wants and needs? Why do I continue to find men who are unavailable in so many different areas of relationships? Why do I continue to settle? The way that Gannon describes what love is to him is the way that I view love and I have seen the red flags but I just keep on trying. I try to chisel away at the layers and when I cannot do it anymore I am just empty. Today someone said to me “Isn’t is so strange how we think we love someone but in the end have such a dislike for them in our hearts?” Yeah it is weird.

Love…….

I am going to close with this! As women or men just because we have a hard time finding our human does not mean we lack love for ourselves. It just means it is not our time and the lessons that we learn along the way are lessons that need to be learned, no matter how painful they are they need to be learned. I think that in these moments we actually learn to love ourselves more. We realize that we are settling and we recognize our worth and perhaps we realize this over and over again. I have came to the conclusion that I am love!!!! But my love may not be right for who I thought it was meant for and that is ok.

Beautiful-In-All-Seasons

One day I am going to travel all around and I am going to take pictures of everything that makes my heart smile. One day I am actually going to get in my RV and just drive and I will stop when it feels like home.

I am going to be 44 years old and my oldest son will be 18 in 7 months and graduating in a year. I cannot believe that this time is coming. When I came to California 22 years ago I knew no one, and really I did not have anyone! I left my whole life in Oregon behind so my baby who was in my tummy could have his father in his life! That was the most selfless decision I ever made! I can’t say that I have ever regretted that decision, but as the days grew I became more and more lonely.

When my youngest is 18 years old and graduated I am going to get in my car and drive and I won’t stop until it feels like home (this is what I always said). That time is getting closer and closer and if I am being honest with myself that thought sounds more and more like it could be a reality. Is it really going to be my time to go and just live for me, be the most selfish I have ever been in my life? I don’t know!!!! But I do know that the world will soon be my play ground.

I am happy to see where the last part of this journey ends and where the next begins ♥️

Beautiful in all Seasons

Lately I have just found myself in this place of mourning. I am not quite sure what I am mourning but I know that I am missing something and it is making me sad. I watch the world go by day after day and if I am being honest it scares the living shit out of me. Kindness is rare, real honest laughter feels like it is going away and it keeps getting harder and harder to focus on the things that need to be focused on. What those things are I do not even know! Do we walk through the days pretending that our world has lost its damn mind or do we deal with it in our own way? I personally have no idea and this is why I find myself sitting in front of my computer with these questions.

I could sit here and list off all of the things in the current state that bother me. From social media to just the media. How our society has become so wrapped up in material things, how the value of life does not even exist anymore. I was reading a post the other day on social media and the words grabbed me “There is no hate like Christian love” I mean really that stuck with me. It is true, in my eyes those words hold value and a whole lot of truth. We have all became these robots to the “things” around us. We base our value as a person on what others portray us as. If they give us like we praise them, if they say something we do not like then they become haters and we feel the need to justify our life and our struggles so they can try to see us the way that we see ourselves. I don’t know maybe I am speaking for myself, maybe this is what I do. I just don’t know anymore. What I do know is that I am in a world and I feel more alone now then I have ever felt in my life. I feel like I am misunderstood and I honestly do not want to take the time to be understood. I do not know, maybe I am old school? Maybe I am self centered? I just know that this is how I am feeling.

My son graduated college a few weeks ago and I had a strange day with strange feelings and I was struggling with putting them into words. I wanted to write a big long post about how proud of him that I was and list of all of his accomplishments but for some reason I could not find the words. While I was sitting in the airport I was texting my brother and I told him my feelings and he responded with words are just for people. You do not have to say anything. He is right I do not have to put anything into words about how I am feeling at any moment because they are just words for others. My emotions and it is ok to keep my emotions to myself. Until a night like this when I cannot sleep and I just want to write.

I do not know maybe I am just depressed lately. I notice my patients is becoming very very thin. I notice that everything gets on my nerves and sometimes I just go alone somewhere and cry when I can, mind you I do not cry about anything in particular I just want to cry and to be honest it feels good. It feels good to not have to always be sometimes I just don’t want to be anything other than a cry baby or some days I want to be a mouthy bitch. I don’t know somedays I want to just be a quiet thinker. I do not know! What I do know is that at this moment I am tired and I am not happy with what I see around me. I am not happy with the state of the world and the state of the ones around me. I am not ok with anything really. I am just not ok! I am just tired! I am just angry! I suppose that this is where I realize that I need to do something and do something quick because I could easily creep down some dark hole and not want to come out. Maybe I just need to get into my buggie and disappear somewhere for a few days and clear my mind and have no contact with anyone from the stupid world. I don’t know!!!!!

Loneliness, sadness and anger suck and they are scary and that is where I am at this very moment. But I recognize it and it is time to soul search and ground and center my soul. Time to dig deep and face these emotions head on. It is a season that I am in and I do not like this season, but I am here, I am here and I need to face it. There is beauty in everything right, that is what I have told myself a million times over so now I just need to find the beauty in this dark and lonely season.

Beautiful In All Seasons

I have found myself getting angry at the remarks of people when it comes to athletes and the ability they have as both an athlete and a person with a voice.

When we think of an athlete, what do we think of? When I think of an athlete I think strong, energetic, someone with bounds of talent and someone with the ability to chase dreams and make them become a reality. Athletes are head strong, courageous and they fight for the win. With that said, what makes anyone think that when it comes to the topic of social injustice or systematic racism they should just play the game and leave the protesting and speaking up off the court. Athletes have a platform and if they are willing to use that platform, well, they should.

Here is an example……..

There is a significant event that happened on September 01, 2016.

An athlete was quietly sitting on the bench during that national anthem in protest of our country’s oppression of black people and people of color. He was vocal about his reasons on social media and press conferences however, he felt that he was not being heard so he got louder.

September 1, 2016 he decided to kneel during the national anthem, ONE man, ONE athlete kneeling for injustice of black people and people of color in front of the world. Needless to say his decision to kneel got the attention of many and with that attention came backlash and ultimately he no longer played football, BUT he decided to keep his voice and got louder and that brings me to this.

Thursday September 17, 2020 Nike released this black #7 jersey to mark the 4 year anniversary that Kaepernick took a knee for social injustice and systematic racism. This jersey sold for $150.00 and sold out in less than one minute. This athlete kneeled alone on September 1, 2016 in front of the world and today he has become a voice for social injustice and systemic racism and ultimately he is creating change along with many others.

So to shut down any remarks about athletes being just an athlete and needing to just keep their head in the game. NO!!!! Stand loud and stand proud because the voice of one man one athlete made a change and so can yours.

I am the mother of an athlete and he has chosen to use his platform to speak out on social injustice and systematic racism and I am proud of him. As a mother to watch your child grow, chase dreams and fulfill those dreams moments at a time is wonderful. To watch him play a sport he loves on big courts and on TV makes me proud. But to watch him join a fight and stand proud makes me even more proud.

*** Beautiful-In-All-Seasons***

“Fight for the things that you care about, but do it in a way that will lead others to join you.” Ruth Bader Ginsburg

First and foremost I am the mother to 2 amazing strong sons, I am the daughter to the strongest women I know, I am the sister to 5 strong brothers and finally I am a lover to an amazing man who has accepted me for who I am and has made this chapter in my life an amazing one.

I am a women with many faults, but I choose to learn from my faults and strive to be a better women every day. I have often wondered what my legacy will be in this life and while I have not quite figured it out I am well on my way to finding that part of who I am. I feel that we all have a unique story while many narratives are similar they are still unique to each of us. While my story is one of sadness and trauma it has also made me who I am today. Who I am today?? I can be complicated but I am strong, I am courageous and I am kind. It is my hope to be able to touch just one person with my thoughts and story to find strength and the ability to know that they are not alone and it is ok to feel empowered no matter what our story is.

I am a women who takes respect and empowerment personal. In a perfect world we would all be kind to one another and show each other respect in both a personal and professional environment. What I am not is naïve and I know that this is not the kind of world that we live in, however I still have faith that kindness and respect can be spread around. It starts within each of us and our beliefs.

I want to empower youth and grown adults to be able to have the strength to stand up for who they are and what they believe in.

My blogs will be filled with stories, lessons and random thoughts that I may have in a day or just a moment. I have this dream to one day be the empowerment guro, I want to go to schools and talk to the youth about how to find a healthy sense of empowerment. I look back at my life my story and my journey and through it all it always comes back to this very moment. Me sitting in front of my computer and just typing. This will not be a place of all things perfect, this will be a place of thought just plain thought and experience.

With that said……… Welcome!!!!!! Enjoy and be you, everyone else is taken and you are the very best version on YOU!!!!!

With Love, Beautiful-In-All-Seasons